Synopsis of Beer Bad
Written by Bone
The story opens with Buffy a vamp. Parker is there and she tells him to get out of there. Two other vamps grab him and she goes to his rescue quickly dusting all three vamps. Parker thanks her for saving his life and apologizes to her for treating her so badly and wants her forgiveness. She comes out of her daydream in Prof. Walsh's class and sees Parker getting cuddly with his next conquest. In class they are speaking of the ID and how it never grows up in a person and always wants things such as comfort, sex, shelter and food. She goes back to her daydream and is dusting the vamps again. This time Parker has roses and ice cream (or is it low-fat yogurt?).
Later, Xander is practicing lighting cigarettes as he is starting a new job as a bartender with a fake id as Willow easily sees. He wants them to come to the pub where he will be working. Buffy is not impressed as she is still wallowing in PPS (post-Parker syndrome). As they are walking off to class, Willow tries to explain to her that there are better men where the mind is stronger than the penis. Xander yells, "Nothing can defeat the penis", a bit too loud. Buffy thinks Parker has intimacy problems because of the death of his father. Willow says she's not interested and to tell it to the bartender and points to Xander.
Cut to the bar where Xander is having trouble with the drink orders. Buffy walks in looking for Xander and sees Parker with his new sweetie. She looks as if she is about to bail when she bumps into Riley and he spills his drink on himself. They have a little talk about Parker. Apparently, everyone, except new girls on campus knows about the way Parker treats women. Riley is about to tell her how he treats women but notices she is lost in thought. Riley leaves to go to his friends and Buffy sees Parker kissing his new girl.
Xander is trying to make it with a babe at the bar when a pompous asshole (PA No.1) interrupts. He tries to confuse Xander with big words and then goes off into a rant and says that he and his ilk are what women want and all Xander needs to do is keep the peanut bowl full. Xander asks for his id but his boss tells Xander to just give him the beer. A brand called Black Frost.
Later, Xander sees Buffy at the bar and goes to talk to her. She realizes that Parker's problem with intimacy is that he can't get enough of it. She wonder aloud that if she tied and gagged him and left him in a cave that vamps frequent, it wouldn't be the same as her killing him. Xander is about to give her some true friendship advice when the owner asks him to get back to work. He tells her not to leave. Buffy is about to leave anyway when she bumps into PA No.2. There are four of them and they tell her that such a pretty lady can'' leave until she has a beer with them. She sees Parker leaving with his new honey. She stays and starts drinking beer.
Oz and Willow are at the Bronze where Willow jokes that she had to kill a guy for the great seat they had. Oz was not in class and she tells him she copied her notes for him. He starts to feel strange and then it passes. A new band starts to play and the lead singer is the girl Oz saw when he went patrolling with Buffy. He seems mesmerized by her and can hardly pay attention to anything Willow is saying. Her name is Veruca (Sp.?). Oz says he knows the drummer but never heard the band play. Willow doesn't seem amused.
Back at the pub, Buffy is drinking with the four Pas. She seems to be having a good time. PA No.1 is talking out beer. Buffy says her mother said that beer was evil. He tries to rebuke this but loses his train of thought. When the other PAs try to keep the conversation going. PA no.1 finishes his story about beer and says that if the earliest virility developed under the influence of beer, there would be no good or evil, just kind of nice. Buffy tells them they like to hear themselves talk. Xander is watching this while he works.
The next day Willow is mocking the conversation between Oz and Veruca. When Oz introduces Willow, Veruca calls Willow a groupie. She doesn't like this at all. Buffy is staring at the TV and commenting that it is good with the colors and sounds and the people inside. Willow is wondering who is this. Buffy says she is suffering the after effects of a night of badness. Willow thinks she was with Parker again. She says no but that she was with four guys. Willow is all concerned about her and the beer drinking until she tells her it was not a night of group sex.
They are about to go to class when Willow reminds Buffy that she is still in her pjs.
As Prof. Walsh is discussing the next assignment Buffy tells her that Willow already read it. As the Prof. Continues, Buffy notices a young lady eating a sandwich in class. She is close enough so she takes it and starts eating it. The young lady is shocked and Buffy acts like this is perfectly normal behavior. Cut to a scene where some weird alchemy equipment is set up making some kind of potion. It is dripping into a keg of Black Frost beer.
The night at the pub, Buffy and the Pas are drinking beer again. This time, their behavior is quite different. Xander is again watching this. A cute babe is lamenting on having a rough day. She asks the barkeep for a light. He holds up a no smoking sign. They can't seem to make coherent sentences now.
Oz. Comes to see Willow as she is leaving for the library to study. He wants her to come to her him play with Veruca's band at the Bonze. She passes because of study. Very awkward moment here as they both stand not saying anything until Willow says, "See Ya!" and heads off.
It is near closing time and Buffy and the PAs are still there. Xander is closing the place up and puts on some music. Buffy hers it and runs to the jukebox. She likes it. He tells her, " Beer bad", and sends her home. PA No.1 notices that the girl is gone.
Willow goes to a place where she sees Parker. (I thought she was going to the library). They get into a conversation about how he mistreated Buffy. He again explains his actions and says he was sorry that she misunderstood his motives. She tells him that she and Buffy are people who believe that intimacy means more than what he was giving. He was explaining that all the up-front truthfulness would take the excitement out of sex. Willow acts like she understands where Parker is coming from and sits to talk with him. (NO! Willow, NO! HE'S SLIME)
Back at the pub, the PAs are acting more and more weird now. Like monkeys almost. Xander comes to collect the tab and they have money all over the table. PA No.1 leaves for the restroom. He asks them to figure a 30% tip and they just shove all the money at him. He hears a sound. PA No.1 has turned into a Neanderthal and crashes through the door and clobbers Xander.
The man-beast is sniffing Xander as he comes to. The others are frightened. They all start changing right before Xander's eyes. PA Np.1 joins them in grunting and yelling. Xander gets up and backs away from them. The are about to jump him when he flicks his lighter and the small fire runs them off.
Xander runs to tell Jack the owner that some of the patrons are turning into cavemen. He says they had it coming. The PAs are out running and climbing and fighting each other. Jack was upset at the young punk kids coming into his place and spouting all the stuff about how better than the rest of us they were. He tells Xander that beer makes them all equal. Xander realizes it's the beer. He wanted to know how much a person had to drink before they started "questing for fire". Jack said the potion would ware off in a few days. Jack says his brother-in-law is a warlock (Please, no long threads about warlock or witch. It is the term the writers used, not me) and showed him how to make the potion. Xander, knowing Buffy's strength, believes some one could get killed and runs off to find her but not before telling Jack he was a bad man.
The PAs are prowling the streets when one is mesmerized by the passing cars. He walks into the street and is hit by one. The driver gets out to help but is frightened off by the club welding cavemen. They destroy the car. They then smell two females and starts chasing them leaving the injured one writhing in pain on the street.
Giles and Xander arrive at Buffy's room. She hasn't change quite as drastically as the PAs but she is drawing cave paintings on the wall and saying Parker ins bad. They think she will hurt him (YEAH!!!)
Parker is still with Willow at the study hall room. He is laying it on Willow real heavy. (I had to put on my deep shit boots to get through this one). He says he wants to share something private with her. He touches her gently on the hand and tells her how much he has enjoyed talking to her. Willow says she has some thing to tell he also. She wanted to know how gullible he thought she was. She calls him the ID boy. Always wanting. He is stunned that she saw through him so easily. Willow goes into a rant about men and about all they want is sex. Doesn't matter how you get them home as long as sex is a part of it. Just at this time the cavemen are dragging in the women they were chasing on the street. Willow says her point was proven as they try to escape. One of the cave men clobbers them both with a branch he was using as a club.
Back at the dorm room Buffy seems more interested in spinning on a swivel chair than getting Parker. She falls off of the chair and then wants the TV on. Giles thinks she will be ok as long as Xander stays with her, until she says boy smells nice and starts nuzzling and sniffing Xander in the neck area. Xander tells Giles that the effects of the beer would wear off in a few days and Buffy hears the word beer and wants some. They try to reason with her but she tosses them aside and goes on a beer hunt. Xander and Giles split up to look for her.
Back at the study area, the cavemen build a barricade from tables and chairs and somehow start a fire. Willow is lying unconscious on the floor. The cavemen don't realize that their fire is out of control.
When they see this, finally, no one can get in, but they can't get out. They will all burn to death.
Xander finds Buffy wandering the campus. He tries to get her to follow him by smelling him. She smells something else. She smells the fire and says "Fire bad" and goes to help. She is still enough in control of herself to think of helping and runs to the fire with Xander following.
She get to the blaze and sees an extinguisher. She tries to use it but can't remember how. She throws it at the fire. She sees Willow lying on the floor. Her instincts tell her to save Willow. She braces herself and leaps through the fire to save her friend. Xander catches but can't get through the blaze. Buffy, realizing she has to do something, sees some piping overhead. She leaps up and swings herself over to a high window, which she knocks out. The cavemen see the opening and push over a bookcase and climb up and through the opening. The other women climb out also as Buffy carries out Willow. She then goes back in and finds one of the clubs the cavemen were using. Parker is still inside and is waking up. He is coughing from the smoke. He starts yelling for help. He sees Buffy and asks what do they do. She says nothing, holding the club. She clubs him and is about to some more but stops. She grabs his hand and pulls him out.
The police and fire department are cleaning up the mess. Buffy is still part cavewoman, holding the club and staring at Willow to see if she is all right. She says she is tired. Xander asks if she learned anything about beer. She says it's foamy.
The cavemen are in someone's truck tearing it up. I think Xander put them in there because it was unlocked. Buffy goes over to look at them. Xander says they have time to ponder the geopolitical ramifications of being mean to him. Parker walks up to Buffy again. He is actually telling her how great she was in saving everyone and asks her to forgive him for being cruel to her. She says nothing and clubs him again. Xander and crew come and take her away.
The End
Even though this episode reminded me of Band Candy, I still liked it. I still wish Buffy would stop acting so weak about Parker. I see too much of this type of behavior in real life. I don't want it creeping into the little time I have for enjoyment.
-Bone
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